yoga is going to be my new best friend! hopefully by the end of summer i am okay enough to enroll in a yoga class at the arc! new goal besides passing my final exam this week ! :)

goodbye chips, goodbye coke, goodbye candy! we shall reunite once every month :)

i realized i have this issue with being alone. I can barely be by myself with no one to talk to for 2 hours. I start to go on facebook and start to feel lonely because i view myself as the one being left out. the more i sit here by myself, the more scenarios my mind creates. I start to think about the future, and all the what if this happens, or this is how they are going to react for sure. I need to start thinking right and stop with all my daydreams. ( i guess you cant really call them day dreams because dreams should be pleasant!) i have this empty feeling or i guess just super loneliness. I need people. ugh. i wish i wasnt this dependent on people. I need to learn how to live on my own and be okay with that !

so blessed today with my meet up with Auntie Lily. She is such a blessing and a great model to look up to. She taught me about life, and how people come and go and friends can become acquaintances or better intimate friends. It just how we grow, its part of life. She said the best thing is to understand yourself and by doing that, you have to be able to see from others peoples points of view and also your own. Then she told me ways of how to have a healthy marriage or relationship. 1) Never blame the other person 2) you make mistakes too , just like the other person, its no big deal. 3) dont have expectations if you dont have any, you wont be disappointed 4) its just a drop of water in a big big bucket . it doenst matter. its soo small its not even worth any thing. it wont make a difference 5) hint with really saying what you want or dont want 6) positive reinforcement

God allow me to praise you no matter what. I have my struggles and my sins, but God please help me still continue to praise you. I want to be joyful even in times of trials. I want to continue to love you and worship you. I know you give and take, but please work in my heart to really fully understand that.

its funny how i fear how others with judge me way before i even fear or even think about how God will judge me. This reminds me of this past sunday school, and how we learned about the Rahab in the Joshua chapter 2, and how she did what was right for God and she was faithful and fearful of God and not her own country's people. I still dont understand why i am so afraid of how others will see me. I get so caught up in trying to perfect my life for them that i forget about even truly communicating with God. I still fear that people think my relationship is a stumbling block to me. I want them to know its not but i feel like they just generalized the one or two times they see me on campus with jon and they go like oooo shes always with him. i do spend time with other people. i meet up with my friends, i meet up with my accountability partner , my life isnt off balance. i try to balance it. i need to work on just discerning what is right and what is wrong. i cant let other peoples little opinions effect me. or maybe i am just going crazy and being worried about everything.

patience . please i neeed patience

do i really need a new camera? or should i just use my old one till it expires on me?

but i really want a new one that takes better quality pics and that has more color functions. but i dont want to waste money either.

sigh, i really want a new camera ! money why cant you just grow on treees!!!!!!

Yup everything is my fault. Im the one with si many flaws. So many issues and so many emotions. It all comes back to it being my fault. I can never be the one sad or upset or dissappointed cuz it always somehow ends up my fault. I did nothing wrong yet i have to apologize for being so different being so sensitive and not being strong. Definitely have to say sorry for other ppls faults too, cuz duhhh its my fault. Always ends up me saying sorry so u can feel better and you jnow what? You actually go along with it. Wow really u think its soo my fault that this or that happened?

Im sorry im a girl
Im sorry i cry
Im sorry i get hurt
Im sorry i need people to comfort me
Im sorry for being able to be frustrated and upset in my life
Im sorry for not being strong enough
Im sorry for being a different person than you
Im sorry for having this type of personality
Im sorry that you have to be tired out from dating me
Im sorry for just being me

Sometimes all a sad girl needs is an ear to listen to her, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to tell her its okay. We are already sad enough, we seriously do not need any more lectures or comments that hurt us and tell us that we are wrong and weak and we need to fix ourselves. Js comfort us. Js be there. Js listen.

i know i should be forgiving and fine with it but this makes me mad. Like seriously there is a thing called privacy. i know i shouldn't be upset or frustrated i don't even know what i'm feeling. but its really weird when the notes you write your feelings to for your boyfriend is read by his sister. so freaking awkward. like those things that are written down are feelings and thoughts that i never tell anyone but my boyfriend cuz duhh its written to him? ugh iono

recently realized that i dont know who i am. i know my name and all that but i dont know who God wants me to be. I was thinking the other day, and realized that the way i have been acting is just a copy of someone else, someone i want to be. i want to be like that girl, so i talk like her. i want to be like her too, so i change the way i talk or dress. i cant find my own identity, and honestly it scares me. i want to be me, but i dont know WHAT or WHO is me. i feel like the real me isnt pleasing or doenst bring joy to others, and it makes me even more frustrated with myself. God please show me how to just be me, and to shape me into the girl you want me to be. Let me be happy with who i am and not pursue another personality or character.

ugh. i screwed up. that feeling where u want to just want to go back and take everything back. i feel so horrible and guilty. i cant even provide the basic support and encouragement. im horrible. i realized i am so selfish and cruel. :( poopcakes i hate myself

我想帶你去一個很好的餐館因為我想給你一個很好的記憶, 因為我想讓你知道我真的很喜歡你。 can you atleast告訴我你很開心很感謝我這樣做。 我 gave up 逛街買東西應為我要save u for 那家餐館。 okay, 我不可以在這裡寫太多。

Gooood byeeeeee dreamssssss