These past few months has been so hard. I became a really paranoid person. I am consistently afraid of how people will judge me and in everything i do i felt judged. I couldnt be the person i used to be. i want to be the same person i was last year, i dont know where i am now. so lost, so so lost. God, let me trust you. I want to let go of all my struggles, so please help me. I cant do this alone.

Help me Father

God, please hear my prayers. Please please please show me the way. Father lead me, guide me and comfort me. I cant do this alone. Take my hand and walk me through all this. I really need you to guide me. I feel so hopeless :(

LOL

hehehe my parents are watching g-force :P
daddies laughing like a child, and mom is saying cool to a lot of things! haha
i love my family <3

comforted :)

clarity over confusion

Eph 4:25-29 - Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”[a]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Philippians 4:8a)- Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

:( aow ho fay.
welcome back to self consciousness ! oh joy

2 days of fun :)

So Daryl came down to "check out UCI" and we picked him up on thursday night at 5pm and then we all went to our separate small groups. Afterwards, we just hung out at cha and decided to move my TV to jons apt so we can watch movies :) it was really fun to just finally hang out with friends and do spontaneous things. We made garlic bread and watched some River Monsters in the living room. Then we watched 12 - Rounds, and it was already around 3 am. The next morning, Jon went to class at 10am, and we stayed behind. At 11am we took Daryl on a tour around Ring Road. Then we left irvine at like 1230 and got home around 1pm. I took them to Class 302 along with my cousin, and Gabe met us there. After shaved snow, we went back to my house and just hung out. Around 6pm, we headed to LA to Griffith Observatory. It was nice up there, and i really wanted to stay to see the night lights, but we just went to korean bbq. At O Dae San , we ate two plates of meat because the grill and serviced sucked. We went straight back to half and half and had some boba :) it was good but not worth always going. THey came to my house to hang out for a bit and then left for UCI at 12am.

Today i woke up at 11am, and took Teddie to Jons apt. We had pizza there and teddie took a bite out of my pizza. Teddie was afraid the height when he walked past the two lil railings for the hallway, he got jellly legs!!! hahahaha he was super happy and excited to explore jons apt! We then headed to Fashion Island. Teddie was alot more calm and obedient than i thought he would be. I am so proud of him. He was soo friendly and gentle to everyone :D . After resting at Fashion Island, we headed to CDM beach and we kinda did a small walk there, but headed back to UCI. We all took a nap and finally we all had to leave. Darly went to the airport and i came back home. These two days really made me feel like i was in high school. I miss playing with friends that can just do anything spontaneous, I miss being chill with the guys and not have them judge me. i miss my real friends :(

Gods been really showing me how to love and forgive. I still have trouble really forgiving someone who has done me wrong. i am not mad but i feel that there is this tension or that even though things are right between us, it just doesnt feel the same. Im not bitter, but i dont to put the effort in the friendship if she doesnt want to try either. but i guess its okay, maybe i am over analyzing everything. :) God please help me to love unconditionally and be very considerate.

Another thing i realized this quarter was just being judged? maybe its me or not, but i feel that i am judged often because i am in a relationship. everyone in my fellowship makes me feel like i am doing something wrong and that being in a relationship is a sin. i know they probably dont mean it, but the words they say makes me feel very distant from them. i am uncomfortable how some people view some of the fellowshippers as so godly so holy, but they dont see their flaws, yet they are here to point out most of mine. this has been on my heart, but i was finally able to talk to jon about this. and he feels the same way. this leads me to question again, is this fellowship the right one for me?

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE: Desiring God Conference this weekend was very interesting. I never heard any John Pipers sermons,and i really like him. His points were very convicting, especially his last part of the sermon. it made me realize that i should do not just Biblical things to glorify God, but in EVERYTHING i do it for God. Every little single thing you do, be satisfied in God. God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. I hope i can be very satisfy with what God has given me, There are so many things that i do not need. I am very blessed to live in a home, to have loving parents, to have basic clothes, and to even go to church and school, i want to be content in you God, help me be satisfied with the things you have given me <3