ran out of grace

sometimes there is just so much grace and love you can show someone. i find it extremely hard today to love two brothers. Not because they said something mean or did anything to hurt me but just their lack of responsibility and help? Man i am so pissed off right now, honestly, i have given you my most graceful self, i can no longer love you, or care for you, so dont expect me to cook each week for you because i wont.

to the first guy: seriously? did your parents raised you wrong or something because you are the most rude, and the most irresponsible person ever! we have had our fights and our disagreements, but this is pushing me too far. like really? how can you care so less about the people around. Man no wonder you have no friends, and that you are always cooped up in your room playing dumb games. Please grow up and get a life.

to the second guy: forget you. I havnt been so cold to someone today since like probably 2 years ago. You push me to my limits, and i cant keep giving you love anymore. I dont want to say this, but you freaking annoy me. LIKE ALOT! so why dont YOU also help out your friends, and be appreciative for the care you receive from others. Once you lose that chance, that friendship wont be back again.

wanting to cry because you are sad, but not able to because of the people around you.
freak its eating me away :(

i hate living here

Sometimes its so hard to love someone and treat them with kindness when they themselves are not being loving. One of my friends keep bashing on someone close, and the way she says things are just unnecessary. I don't know if i should confront her or just let things go. I've been trying to show her grace, but sometimes she just gets on me, and I start to distant myself. I know me and her don't really click well, but I do hope that sometimes her words can be a bit harsh and unloving. I pray that although she hurts me over and over, that I can be me around her, and just to pray and ask God to bless her. It's so hard but I know that anything is possible through God.

i dont like confronting people. :(

being someone's burden :(

torn between two worlds

i.am.so.miserable.here.

gotta keep my head up :)

today my dog couldnt make it up the stairs. he fell a few times already and this time he wasnt willing to go upstairs. i had to carry him all the way up. im not ready yet. im not ready for Teddie to die. i know its coming soon, but i havent really prepared myself. i want more time with him :(

why cant i ever find peace? :( God please give me peace in my heart i really need it

tank is officially not full anymore

i want to go to the beach! i want to surf! i want to buy a surfboard! i want to get tanned :)

man why do i fear so much of being judged by man. i can barely accept the fact that one sister who i had a miscommunication with followed me on my tumblr. it made me so hesitant and just afraid. i dont know what i am afraid of. wait yea i do, i think im just scared of rebuilding that friendship. im afraid of unspoken tension and more miscommunications. God please help me to have peace in my heart. I know you can do wonderful things, please mend my heart up. Take away all my bitterness and jealousy. God please help me, i need you.

tonight i had a great time catching up with carrie. shes one of the few close friends that can truly understand what i am going through and also truly relate to them. God definitely blessed me with such a great sister to really understand what i going through. each time i talk with her, she really sees me and my heart. i am so blessed :)

on the other hand, i want to mend some old relationships that have been distant but i am also afraid to try because what if it doesnt work out. what if things gets worse. i want to open up again to them, and share and be loving, but i fear their rejection and further tension. what should i do?

"I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go.." - Genesis 28:15

God you already stated that you will be with us forever, wherever I go, but why do I still fear about my future. I fear so much for my apartment, I fear the judgement of my friends on my relationship, I fear men so much more than I fear you. Its so hard to let go of my problems because I fear what you are going to do next. I dont trust in you, I dont trust in your love. God please help me to put you first, to worship you and only you and not idolize any acceptance or security.

I think fearing people's judgement has led me to be more MIA. I dont meet up with people because I am afraid that if I do share about my sins and flaws, they will judge me. I have been in so much denial. I tell myself I am too lazy to meet up or that I am busy or too far away from people, but instead I am just afraid. God please just take my life and let your will be done.

yoga is going to be my new best friend! hopefully by the end of summer i am okay enough to enroll in a yoga class at the arc! new goal besides passing my final exam this week ! :)

goodbye chips, goodbye coke, goodbye candy! we shall reunite once every month :)

i realized i have this issue with being alone. I can barely be by myself with no one to talk to for 2 hours. I start to go on facebook and start to feel lonely because i view myself as the one being left out. the more i sit here by myself, the more scenarios my mind creates. I start to think about the future, and all the what if this happens, or this is how they are going to react for sure. I need to start thinking right and stop with all my daydreams. ( i guess you cant really call them day dreams because dreams should be pleasant!) i have this empty feeling or i guess just super loneliness. I need people. ugh. i wish i wasnt this dependent on people. I need to learn how to live on my own and be okay with that !

so blessed today with my meet up with Auntie Lily. She is such a blessing and a great model to look up to. She taught me about life, and how people come and go and friends can become acquaintances or better intimate friends. It just how we grow, its part of life. She said the best thing is to understand yourself and by doing that, you have to be able to see from others peoples points of view and also your own. Then she told me ways of how to have a healthy marriage or relationship. 1) Never blame the other person 2) you make mistakes too , just like the other person, its no big deal. 3) dont have expectations if you dont have any, you wont be disappointed 4) its just a drop of water in a big big bucket . it doenst matter. its soo small its not even worth any thing. it wont make a difference 5) hint with really saying what you want or dont want 6) positive reinforcement

God allow me to praise you no matter what. I have my struggles and my sins, but God please help me still continue to praise you. I want to be joyful even in times of trials. I want to continue to love you and worship you. I know you give and take, but please work in my heart to really fully understand that.

its funny how i fear how others with judge me way before i even fear or even think about how God will judge me. This reminds me of this past sunday school, and how we learned about the Rahab in the Joshua chapter 2, and how she did what was right for God and she was faithful and fearful of God and not her own country's people. I still dont understand why i am so afraid of how others will see me. I get so caught up in trying to perfect my life for them that i forget about even truly communicating with God. I still fear that people think my relationship is a stumbling block to me. I want them to know its not but i feel like they just generalized the one or two times they see me on campus with jon and they go like oooo shes always with him. i do spend time with other people. i meet up with my friends, i meet up with my accountability partner , my life isnt off balance. i try to balance it. i need to work on just discerning what is right and what is wrong. i cant let other peoples little opinions effect me. or maybe i am just going crazy and being worried about everything.

patience . please i neeed patience

do i really need a new camera? or should i just use my old one till it expires on me?

but i really want a new one that takes better quality pics and that has more color functions. but i dont want to waste money either.

sigh, i really want a new camera ! money why cant you just grow on treees!!!!!!

Yup everything is my fault. Im the one with si many flaws. So many issues and so many emotions. It all comes back to it being my fault. I can never be the one sad or upset or dissappointed cuz it always somehow ends up my fault. I did nothing wrong yet i have to apologize for being so different being so sensitive and not being strong. Definitely have to say sorry for other ppls faults too, cuz duhhh its my fault. Always ends up me saying sorry so u can feel better and you jnow what? You actually go along with it. Wow really u think its soo my fault that this or that happened?

Im sorry im a girl
Im sorry i cry
Im sorry i get hurt
Im sorry i need people to comfort me
Im sorry for being able to be frustrated and upset in my life
Im sorry for not being strong enough
Im sorry for being a different person than you
Im sorry for having this type of personality
Im sorry that you have to be tired out from dating me
Im sorry for just being me

Sometimes all a sad girl needs is an ear to listen to her, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to tell her its okay. We are already sad enough, we seriously do not need any more lectures or comments that hurt us and tell us that we are wrong and weak and we need to fix ourselves. Js comfort us. Js be there. Js listen.

i know i should be forgiving and fine with it but this makes me mad. Like seriously there is a thing called privacy. i know i shouldn't be upset or frustrated i don't even know what i'm feeling. but its really weird when the notes you write your feelings to for your boyfriend is read by his sister. so freaking awkward. like those things that are written down are feelings and thoughts that i never tell anyone but my boyfriend cuz duhh its written to him? ugh iono

recently realized that i dont know who i am. i know my name and all that but i dont know who God wants me to be. I was thinking the other day, and realized that the way i have been acting is just a copy of someone else, someone i want to be. i want to be like that girl, so i talk like her. i want to be like her too, so i change the way i talk or dress. i cant find my own identity, and honestly it scares me. i want to be me, but i dont know WHAT or WHO is me. i feel like the real me isnt pleasing or doenst bring joy to others, and it makes me even more frustrated with myself. God please show me how to just be me, and to shape me into the girl you want me to be. Let me be happy with who i am and not pursue another personality or character.

ugh. i screwed up. that feeling where u want to just want to go back and take everything back. i feel so horrible and guilty. i cant even provide the basic support and encouragement. im horrible. i realized i am so selfish and cruel. :( poopcakes i hate myself

我想帶你去一個很好的餐館因為我想給你一個很好的記憶, 因為我想讓你知道我真的很喜歡你。 can you atleast告訴我你很開心很感謝我這樣做。 我 gave up 逛街買東西應為我要save u for 那家餐館。 okay, 我不可以在這裡寫太多。

Gooood byeeeeee dreamssssss

BUMMED OUT :(

its so sad when you are watching sappy Titanic and you and your bf are arguing.
while jack and rose were parting and saying stuff and like putting each other before themselves, jon and i are frustrated with each other. so funny. makes me hate this movie. i used to love it so much. omgah this part is so sad! hahaha but i cant even look at the screen because it makes me want to cry my heart out. where is my jack? so sad.

:( i waited all day just to talk and be happy with you! I missed you all day and the only thing that i looked forward to was seeing you and laughing and talking with you. But obviously things didnt happen that way. It was my fault that i got impatient and irritated but i was really trying to stay calm and loving. If you can see how much i try to work on it in my heart. I dont say it out but i do try. Ive been reading and reading and praying to be a better godly gf so i can serve you. It hurts me so much to see things become like this. Its so not fair. I really tried. I really do. Its already hard enough that you are so far. Why cant you just do your best and comfort me instead of leaving me just like that. It really makes me want to give up. It doesnt feel like its worth it. Im here putting in so much effort and love and it doesnt pay off. Im always ending up sad :( what can i do now?

SF was so amazing! i really miss it! i think i fell in love with the city. I dont really know if i like the weather but it was sunny for most days i was there. I love the parks and the bikers, and all the lil shops! i miss it! please someone take me

jon, thanks for being the kind person that i sometimes dont want to be. you show me how to love others and put them before yourself!

I. HATE. FINALS.

do...i...have...depression?

God please help me! i want to be joyful again !

These past few months has been so hard. I became a really paranoid person. I am consistently afraid of how people will judge me and in everything i do i felt judged. I couldnt be the person i used to be. i want to be the same person i was last year, i dont know where i am now. so lost, so so lost. God, let me trust you. I want to let go of all my struggles, so please help me. I cant do this alone.

Help me Father

God, please hear my prayers. Please please please show me the way. Father lead me, guide me and comfort me. I cant do this alone. Take my hand and walk me through all this. I really need you to guide me. I feel so hopeless :(

LOL

hehehe my parents are watching g-force :P
daddies laughing like a child, and mom is saying cool to a lot of things! haha
i love my family <3

comforted :)

clarity over confusion

Eph 4:25-29 - Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”[a]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Philippians 4:8a)- Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

:( aow ho fay.
welcome back to self consciousness ! oh joy

2 days of fun :)

So Daryl came down to "check out UCI" and we picked him up on thursday night at 5pm and then we all went to our separate small groups. Afterwards, we just hung out at cha and decided to move my TV to jons apt so we can watch movies :) it was really fun to just finally hang out with friends and do spontaneous things. We made garlic bread and watched some River Monsters in the living room. Then we watched 12 - Rounds, and it was already around 3 am. The next morning, Jon went to class at 10am, and we stayed behind. At 11am we took Daryl on a tour around Ring Road. Then we left irvine at like 1230 and got home around 1pm. I took them to Class 302 along with my cousin, and Gabe met us there. After shaved snow, we went back to my house and just hung out. Around 6pm, we headed to LA to Griffith Observatory. It was nice up there, and i really wanted to stay to see the night lights, but we just went to korean bbq. At O Dae San , we ate two plates of meat because the grill and serviced sucked. We went straight back to half and half and had some boba :) it was good but not worth always going. THey came to my house to hang out for a bit and then left for UCI at 12am.

Today i woke up at 11am, and took Teddie to Jons apt. We had pizza there and teddie took a bite out of my pizza. Teddie was afraid the height when he walked past the two lil railings for the hallway, he got jellly legs!!! hahahaha he was super happy and excited to explore jons apt! We then headed to Fashion Island. Teddie was alot more calm and obedient than i thought he would be. I am so proud of him. He was soo friendly and gentle to everyone :D . After resting at Fashion Island, we headed to CDM beach and we kinda did a small walk there, but headed back to UCI. We all took a nap and finally we all had to leave. Darly went to the airport and i came back home. These two days really made me feel like i was in high school. I miss playing with friends that can just do anything spontaneous, I miss being chill with the guys and not have them judge me. i miss my real friends :(

Gods been really showing me how to love and forgive. I still have trouble really forgiving someone who has done me wrong. i am not mad but i feel that there is this tension or that even though things are right between us, it just doesnt feel the same. Im not bitter, but i dont to put the effort in the friendship if she doesnt want to try either. but i guess its okay, maybe i am over analyzing everything. :) God please help me to love unconditionally and be very considerate.

Another thing i realized this quarter was just being judged? maybe its me or not, but i feel that i am judged often because i am in a relationship. everyone in my fellowship makes me feel like i am doing something wrong and that being in a relationship is a sin. i know they probably dont mean it, but the words they say makes me feel very distant from them. i am uncomfortable how some people view some of the fellowshippers as so godly so holy, but they dont see their flaws, yet they are here to point out most of mine. this has been on my heart, but i was finally able to talk to jon about this. and he feels the same way. this leads me to question again, is this fellowship the right one for me?

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE: Desiring God Conference this weekend was very interesting. I never heard any John Pipers sermons,and i really like him. His points were very convicting, especially his last part of the sermon. it made me realize that i should do not just Biblical things to glorify God, but in EVERYTHING i do it for God. Every little single thing you do, be satisfied in God. God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. I hope i can be very satisfy with what God has given me, There are so many things that i do not need. I am very blessed to live in a home, to have loving parents, to have basic clothes, and to even go to church and school, i want to be content in you God, help me be satisfied with the things you have given me <3

Its hard enough trying to maintain a patient relationship and just to love you even when you make me frustrated and angry but its not fair to me the way you can manipulate things.you cant do what you feel or say and not even think about the emotional hurt and repsonse i get from it. Its not easy for me and i dont think it was right for you to make judgements and i know im struggling with just bitterness right now i hope you will eventually see my point of view and feel the same way as me. i have feelings too and i cant just be used like that. I dont know what is going through my head right now but i know i cant fall asleep. I dont know hows tomorrow going to be like between us. Sometimes you need to b more sensitive to my needs to. I am human and i do have emotions and i do make mistakes but js try next time. This is really not fair to me and i hate it so much but theres nothing i can do about it now.

1. beach
2. making dinner
3. bring blankies
4. stargazing
:)

WHAT IN THE WORLD

is it just me or are couples breaking up left and right.
i feel like all the couples i know or most of them are breaking up. i came up with a theory about relationships. The 3 year curse is whats going around. So many couples that dated for over 2-3 years are breaking up. its so sad , because i feel like they were getting married for sure. I guess God has his plans for us and sometimes break ups are a part of his will. All i can do now is just view my relationship as a path towards marriage but definitely not treat it as if i am going to marry jon.

Final Stretch

Today i finished two of my three finals. The first one was intro to crim and the other one was Psych 11B. Both were okay with a few questions i wasnt too sure about. i hope i did well, i really need to raise my GPA. But all i can do now is just study hard for my last final which is on thursday at 8am for my psych 11a class. After that i am done! i cant wait to just relax at home and just to sleep in and play with my dogs.

Lately i have been getting really irritated by jon. i just get mad at him for small things or when things dont go well. I wish i can change that and i know i need to be more loving and caring but i rarely show it. Im selfish and i want everything to go my way. Hes been so patient and i need to appreciate that. Last quarter we were reading lovedare together, and on one of the days, it told us to leave the disappreciation room and go to the appreciation room. I really need to work on it and get less grumpy with him. God please help me learn to love and put others first. :) good night

thankful :)

I am so thankful for Jon who always points me back to God. I know I have so many faults and flaws, but thankyou for liking me for who i am. Thank you for being patient with me, and loving me. I know these past months, i have been falling away from God at times, but i didnt realize it till these past two nights. I am glad you are always here to contradict my crazy worldy views and tell me my desires arent glorifying God. I cant wait to see what God has in store for us :D

manga has sucked the life out of you.
i feel replaced :(

finally realized how much it sucks to be accused and judged differently from what your intentions are. i wish you can realize that i was telling you things and working things out of love and not to be mean or judgmental. but i guess you will never see what my true intentions were. its okay, i guess i can just suck up my pride and surrender to this.

bullets of words

who knew that one sentence can hurt someone so much. even simple words can be like shooting someone in the heart. once you pull that trigger, and shoot, you cant go back in time to take it all back. the bullet is already out and injuring. i never knew the power of words into today. just one statement can crush my hearts. its all shattered and no matter how much glue and effort i put in to fix it, it leaves a scar. another scar. how much more can my heart take?

I dont know what to do anymore. I tried and even though i saod i would give up i didnt. I know youre hurt but just cheer up. I tried all that i know to start a convo , i said i gave up on you but i called you because i know i can never give up on you. I hope you realize this and know that just because there are mean and horrible things in the world doesnt mean no one loves you. I want to show you my love and care . I hope you realize this someday :)